Don't Fret. Just Play.

2012-02-18T01:29:00.000+08:00

I haven't read much mind-stimulating materials in a LONG while. I think that could be the reason why words are leaving me.

Well they had no company.

I have a predicament.

I just realised that, supposedly I speak English a lot because of influence and coincidentally, ones that I like but it's also to communicate worldwide (mostly) and in turn, that people could understand.

But it's not in my current reality. It simply exists on this screen.

2012-02-18T01:20:00.002+08:00

I felt as thought my brain had freezed over and now thawing slowly.
It doesn't feel as fresh as it should but as songs say: here we go again.

I had things to say and it is unplanned in a way that I just thought of documenting it to actually have a memory of my life. But now I seem to have forgotten what.

Nevermind, I'll move along.

It's also a risk while still at this young age, being offline for SO long.

I've also forgotten how to POST things, like wtf.

I'm being called to bed, not by a scheduled bedtime but a little whining scaredy sister. :)

Maybe I am sleepy too.

Nite.

2011-08-21T00:48:00.001+08:00

2011-08-02T02:05:00.000+08:00

I feel like I could make a stream now. I'm on a roll! XD

Whadya know, I could just keep on talking forever. That's how I used to be :)

Misunderstood or misguided, other than Pink, yeah there are other people who go through it too.

And even though how subtle, which is often the most dangerous abuse, the "victims'" outcome of attitude would no wonder be influenced by maltreatment right?

Thus I wouldn't call them genetically bad. It's Nurture, not nature.

Because I've been there right. Experience.

But now what do we do? We just can't let the cycle continue.

But even I have doubts now of having my own family, not completely, but still doubts if it could, even a little, be different.

I hope I could go to sleep now. I'm thankful enough but no more ideas for tonight at least?
Thanks :)

2011-08-02T01:51:00.001+08:00

Oh, books like those I chose because they are basically wise and introspective in writing..

Easily put, an Adult's book.

Thickness optional, but small and standardised fonts. No pictures. Except the author's.

But if kids were curious enough and could comprehend them, then that'll be

AWESOME.

I believe kids are capable of being smarter, figuratively speaking, than adults as they started out pure. Only the soiled ones are touched by the unkempt hands of the keeper themselves.

But then, I also choose to believe that there are no bad people or at least people didn't start out bad, they were misunderstood or misguided.

And almost all, came from the environment.

I'm starting to think that maybe, I do have a good imagination. To imagine doesn't mean it has to be abstract, but a good figure of the things that happen around you.

I'm glad I accidentally followed Einstein's virtue.
:D

2011-08-02T01:44:00.000+08:00

The kind of books I should have bought before the wallflower I got is like Kite Runner and also the only other book, A Thousand Splendid Suns by Khaled Hosseini.

I like fiction because contrary to popular belief, it doesn't realistically transport you "elsewhere", but it gives you a different perspective of how a person's reality could be to the other guy.

And I should take a deeper interest into my own religion as we should have or as other races do.. The only thing that stopped me is my taste in music, which I still fail to compromise, but I hope someday I won't have to sacrifice but find a collaboration somewhere along the road.

I think most of the fiction books I see these days are debuts though not from new writers, they are people who have lived through their lives, worked, experienced; and when much time has passed that they finally found an ending to something, they decided it was time to sit down and tell you a story, of what they discovered.

Though most are not as old as grandfathers ideally be, but at a suited middle age where they could credibly reflect and have a couple more decades to shape as well, it is simply a beautiful revelation.

I hoped that could be me someday. :)

Hosseini dedicated both his books to the children and women of Afghanistan.

I'm starting to wonder about my previous post. Off the record, but oddly is written here, everything posted must have something to do with myself. So do all labels have "self"? Is there anything that you might post that is not somewhat related to yourself? Haha.

2011-08-01T22:48:00.000+08:00

Another oh, my family probably thinks I'm hard at work on actual work; assignments, typing away like a galloping horse XD

Which I should be seriously worrying about.. now.
But nah.

But another thing, I'm not sure if I should be posting titles, but maybe sometimes.

No, I didn't immediately get the idea from Charlie, but yes, though he did. Or in this case, didn't. But another old friend's blog, which is really simple, not doing so makes it look like a diary entry.

I know people wouldn't be interested in knowing anything but something that is remotely close to them. But sometimes I feel easier to talk about myself but still with an audience. So if this has a title, it is easily relatable.

But not dates. What do you have in common with a date anyway? Unless it's your birthday, haha.

In a way, this is a diary, a public sort. Guess I am that kind of person :)

2011-08-01T22:35:00.000+08:00

Oh, another thing!

The Wallflower's name is Charlie.

He has a friend he writes to, and I'm reading his "letters".

And his style grows on me. Think I'm writing like him.

There's no harm if it's for the better :)

The usage of "quotation marks".

But not too much though.

And he always ends his letters with 'Love always,'.

Doesn't mean he's gay.

And you know the song, "One Headlight" by The Wallflowers?

I swear I'm trying not to get addicted, but who doesn't know that sweet song? :)

Hey, remember, I'm a musician first.

I'm currently listening to their "Closer To You".

Makes me miss playing my piano.

Which as I'm typing away, the laptop's on its seat.

I don't have to glimpse the rainbow, but feeling the rain's enough for me.

:)

2011-08-01T22:27:00.000+08:00

I try not to edit the contents of my previous posts too much, because then it wouldn't be "live".

I liked to think that I'm in a conversation with someone right now :)

What was it that I'm posting, again?

About a book.. and..

Ah, yes. I had to look at the previous post to remember.

I wanted to mention this before the book. If I find that I'm paused for a long while while typing this, I would erase everything. Even though sometimes the thoughts are good, but it just didn't feel as real delayed. And this is when a lil' ADD unnecessarily decides to drop by.

Well, I think I've seen my friend multi-tasking too while posting, but I'm not really fond of that unless I really am bored or hyper.

Now I think I'm quite peculiar, if you will. In other words, weird. Or different. That I like. Like nigahiga. Like individuality. Not mainstream.

Not that I have anniething against them either, it's just less special.

I'd like to be special, but without much attention drawn to me too, but I like to gain some attention when you're supposed to, not unnecessarily yeah.

Where am I now? Okay, I just got a book yesterday - "The Perks of Being a Wallflower", by Stephen Chbosky.

Now don't stereotype. I really did just came across it, and only after a few flicks which I don't do anymore because you really need to take some time to figure out if the story suits you in any way; because we're already going back at the time, I decided to get it.

Basically the back and front cover said some interesting things. And I could relate. Though it was from the teen section.

Well physically and realistically I'm no longer an adolescent, as much fun or really fun it sounds, but inside I'm still that lost, awkward kid though I'm late teens, or a "young adult", as The Adults expertly categorised us.

But I learnt in Psychology class that I, or we, have about just another year to resolve this identity crisis. That I'm lucky enough to receive. Sure, why not.

Once I'm done with the book, maybe something will move me to talk about it, IF I did finish it, and got around to discussing it.

But despite some difference in the American and native Asian teens, it's starting to grow on me :)

By the way, I labelled my"self" a lot in these posts. I'm sure some invisible ghosts will get tired or bored reading soon and try to kill themselves. Or me. I wouldn't want them to go that way though.

Maybe that's what you do in an "identity crisis". Find yourself, by being immersed in your physicality until you reach the soul.

Point is, it's you.

2011-08-01T21:55:00.000+08:00

I have many things to say right now.

Well, maybe only a couple. But long things.

But I have a writer's block at the moment. I'm not sure what that is exactly, but it's either when you don't have any ideas to write or can't think of the right words to describe something.

So I'm in the second category. Well I guess you gotta work hard to keep a privilege sometimes.

It's the first day of Ramadhan, and I guess it went well, but still there are things that bug me.
I know I have to start being more religious.

But now of all times, my being is being tested or soon to be, but like it was meant to be. I know and I can feel it.
I guess I do have patience in some things, like fate.
If it's just meant to happen, I've gotta take it with a grain of salt, but still I'm taking it.

Oh, and .. I forgot what I wanna say.

And I just recalled it. I'm a forgetful person, maybe that's because I'm very good at blocking old memories. Guess you can guess how my life was, eh?

I'm not a complainer and an imaginer of bad-stuffs-always-happen-to-me, but I've considered them to think so.

Anyway, to me, to write or tell stories effectively, which I've just had this epiphany, is to NOT stop.

If it keeps on going, you won't have to repeat, or in this case, re-read yourself just to make sure. Of course editing's good, but you can't do that face-to-face. I've tried. It doesn't really work.

And I'm using "guess" a lot. Maybe right now I'm not too sure of myself. But the thinking wheels keep spinning no matter how slow.

You just gotta be patient.
:)

2011-08-01T02:51:00.001+08:00

I just realised something. My nothingness self-esteem has interfered with my writing skills.

Way, wayyy below the acceptable line for a human being's confidence.

Until I can even be UNSURE of what to write, and HOW TO THINK??

Disgraceful.

Oh HELL NO!

My soul is mine, and the last thing I have.

Imma need to salvage it. Dig deeper, Anne.

2011-08-01T02:41:00.001+08:00

12 days might not seem long to some, but it's close to two weeks.

12 days didn't seem long to me if I had only stared at the date and didn't live through it. But I did, waiting for nigahiga's videos. It wasn't much fun XD

Well, that's the kind of waiting I've been subjecting here, though no one looks forward much to what I have to say, but I have to keep myself in check sometime.

That is, especially after a friend of mine actually independently advertised my blog. Okay, wow, thanks :D

Again, I don't think people care much about me. But I'm quite comfortable living as a wallflower :)
Note the 'quite', yes it can be nothing else but loneliness, most of the time. But full of introspection and contemplation of observation I'm sure.

Which I don't find so bad. If it were not against my religion, I would have been a monk by now, living in the mountains and doing Northern Shaolin.

But if it's that bad or perhaps a dull, unbalanced living, which it also actually is, hang onto your friends' arms in case they run away.

Well enough rambling. Point today is:

I'm in turmoil.

As of course I usually am, you don't have to worry about that. But it's really a matter of having too much going to get done, or worst, none at all, in the eleventh hour.

Procrastination is the negative human habit that overshadows your true ability, and when that shadow gets darker in a moment of temptation and starts to cover the tracks on your path, naturally you would turn back to see what is there.

But that is THE moment of weakness, when we should have kept on running, not giving excuses and never looking back.

It lures you into the dark silently yet blindly, though you did not see, you would still be curious, too much for your own good that is unwise.

And you caved in.

Had you fallen into its trick, that opportune moment it will not waste and slip swiftly in front of you while you're looking back; when you turn back to the front, they go "BOO!".

I HATE that.

Sounds serious enough?

But nah. That's not my whole problem. I killed the Shadow in level 43.

Okay just kidding. I'm still figuring out the Cheat Sheet.

At the same time, another monster steps into the fight, oh you know, just to make it interesting it said, as a matter-of-factly.

Its name now, is a little bit more complicated than Mr.Shadow. Immoral? Immortal? Impassable?

Oh no, oh yeah,
Impatience.

In all the things I wanted to do, all the weapons I wanted to buy but there's not enough cash, and I'm stealing diamonds from the Sage to trade for cash again weirdly with the same person AND get my sniper as a parting gift for hey, that monster right behind us right now is sort of ambitious.
Yeap, can't give a present and kill the receiver too.

Many, many things are supposed to happen or have, or else I wouldn't be stuck in an expired wishing well with a million cents. But I denied them time, and without my aid. I have failed them, and I deserve to gain that feeling of failure.

Eh? Sorry, I seem to have left out one thing.

*However, the effects are mendable. Not necessarily reversible, unless you wouldn't happen to know where I could perhaps fix my time machine?*

Ah, I figured out the cheat sheet a couple paragraphs ago. What?

You didn't ask. ;)

Pain.

2011-07-20T02:37:00.002+08:00

#nowplaying Ready To Start, by Arcade Fire.

Haha since there's no tag, I'd do that just for fun.

I'd never thought I'd take a piece of wisdom from a mainstream, for one, and a popular TV series; that is Glee.

I don't have anything against Glee, in fact I like the series and the music but since we're college students and all.. *faking busy-ness* haha.

Usually, and I get this from quite a number of people that when something gets too exposed, to us, we'll deter from it. Repel.

Anyway, from the show, they said that the best songs come from pain.

Think I didn't need to elaborate on that, it's the strongest feeling when we can't get something out of our system; unable to clearly erase the images from the flashcards in our mental compartments and lift the brick from our chest no matter how hard we try and if only time were kind, as days passes by.

I guess that may be why I don't write as often; I felt pain - which comprises of pressure, stress and tension - almost on a daily basis but there wasn't enough drive to let it out.

I kept it in.

Sometimes, all of it.

So God knows if when I finally write, means that my active lava buildup has reached its peak, or am I finally ready and strong enough to let some unwanted parts go..

Again, for how long, God knows.

Weekend.

2011-07-03T23:43:00.002+08:00

Has been an interesting one.
Right now I'm finishing the pressured outline, to some progress.

Before that I played momma to a 3 year old, my cousin; changed her diapers and made milk.
It wasn't challenging but it definitely felt weird to care for something small - that is fragile; and of course, it depends on you.
It looks up at you with big round eyes.
It trusts you.
"Can you please wash my poo now?"
xD
I couldn't imagine this ironically insensitive "woman" to be a mom someday.

Maybe it was more of babysitting 'cause her 10 year old brother and my 11 year old sister was involved.
I deskinned apples for them.
:)

Before that the 10 year old brother taught me something he never did and I've forgotten:
The power of imagination.
We went on and on of all the things possible and invisible.

Before that I went to visit the new psychiatrist which they as usual, peeved me in some ways but wasn't so bad.
I think I know more than she does.
Though I didn't spill all the hurtful details.
Which might seem obvious, but they're supposed to be able to predict more.
But then they could be shoving solutions down your throat, so it's all good for now I guess.

She said the only way to move on is to deal with the past, or else I'm gonna carry it with me throughout each phase of my life.
But not now.
Bouts of depression are happening at the moment that comes and goes, though what bothers me is it seems to be happening more among people close to home.

It's been a week without my bass, and I miss making music so damn bad.
But don't be too greedy now, I've still got my guitars.

Should continue my work now.
You can say good night but I say good morning.
Lots more to be done.
It almost never ends, but maybe better if it never does.

Alone. And Lonely.

2011-06-28T17:44:00.003+08:00

And kinda bored too.
But no! I gotta stop thinking that.
There's always work to be done.

It's probably 'cause two of my roommates come and go;
off they went to see their show,
here I am awaitin' solo,
thinkin' of food from the git-go.

Some attempt at rhyming, but not necessarily rapping.
Food's hard to come by when you're on campus.
Our night market is only every Mondays and Tuesdays.

:)

Metal.

2011-06-28T17:14:00.000+08:00

Let's see.
I'm back from class.
I forgot another thing.
Other than guilt and frustration yesterday, there was another long forgotten emotion arisen.
Anger.

That was when I started talking about my family and my past.
My roommate wanted to know how I got into liking Metal.
The music kind. But sorta the hard one too x)
She and her sister are my roommates, and both said the same thing.
Not many girls are into metal.
Not just because they're siblings, but it's also true.
But I don't like to stereotype myself.
I look at the kind of individual you are.

As I grow up, it's not worth getting into the details anymore no matter how they matter.
As most people or adults do, they get philosophical.
She asked me in detail, only then I could provide a couple stories, provided I chose to remember them.
Long story in points - not so happy childhood, darkness and negativity, an outlet for it.
From piano, to guitars, to bass.
:)
Oh yeah, but drums are cool too. And if you can scream, sure, why not.

On another note today, a couple people peeved me by their manners which are none.
This lady or lecturer, went down the stairs without giving way until we were about another step close to collision, if she will.
Prob is, at the last minute, someone gives way right?
I could, but I had a mission to go up the stairs too, while she's just going back with her things.
Who being more urgent here?
But maybe she had something on her mind or a social phobe like me too not being able to look up to somebody in the eye.
Yes youngsters are supposed to give way, but only with equal respect.

Then a girl cut me in a long line to print.
And I could've sworn she gave me a subtle glare.

Patience, and reason.

Fucked Up.

2011-06-28T11:44:00.002+08:00

I'd like to say big-time but maybe that's not really the case.
Maybe a small time that would seriously start de-escalating if I'm not careful, or pick up the pace woman!

How in this busy-ness I even have time to vent it off now is purely an act of desperation and reaction, not a product of time.

I don't know where to start telling my roommates about my condition, in which they already vaguely know, but we keep each other updated anyway..
I don't fucking hell know how to start getting my classmates to be more responsible in a subtle way because I don't do fucking well as well with "confrontation".

I wanna write every night before I go to bed if possible 'cause it's the tip of your day in which nothing else usually happens, thus one can sum it up nicely.
Good or bad.
But no, last night, the big D-bomb dropped on me. Again.

I can control it, but chose to go weak on the inside.
Probably need to see someone soon.

The gist of thoughts yesterday was; my parents do went out of their way just to do things for me, and there was guilt.
Classmates did not co-operate in terms of actually coming up with something for work, (I won't say in terms of doing work, 'cause I don't keep time either, which is a big problem but not on purpose) and there was frustration.
My roommates are awesome, but it's as if I'm not there physically. It's only me. Like a ghost overlooking everyone. In a midst of depression, I couldn't bring myself to appreciate..
Almost anything.

Maybe I got tired quite fast for having good sleep a night come by inconsistently, so maybe that took a toll on me, but I often almost dismissed that fact.. I mean, really?
'Cause almost eveyone's here like that, it's a freakin' university.
Maybe everybody's internal workings are also different.
Anything could be as I don't have a basis to support that statement on.
And my memory, dear memory, also inadvertently suffered as a result.

...

- End -

Back again.

2011-06-27T03:17:00.005+08:00

I don't know right now how many times have I have to type that same lame old title into the box.
I'm sure nobody's reading this unless I tell a couple closest friends to "check it out", so no one cares anyway.
But I'm just here to announce to myself, that I'm here.

I thought I would permanently leave this blog and created a better one with a layout of boxes for images, because in most of the time in which I lost my words, pictures are just what comes to mind.
But existing with only either one is incomplete.
So thanks and inspired by one of my good friends recently, like just now xD; I revived this for my thoughts.
But I guess I shouldn't take it too hard. Reporting typical day to day events aren't always exciting.

Sorry if I may seem bipolar, but it's the middle of the night.
I'm tired, and class couldn't start earlier. And I still think I should post this as courtesy to myself, weird.
I deleted my old posts because it just seems to not make sense anymore, or maybe I have matured.
But I did back it up and in private keepsake of course, who knows for analysis one day maybe haha.. when I'm much less embarrassed with myself.
The other picture blog with a couple of word pages or some, is in the same name in Tumblr.
I shall revive that soon too.
Been busy with studies. And procrastination. And playing around. And going out. A lot. And friends. And life, etc :)

Nite.